Blog 2-2: Top Chef Taste Test # 8

Remember when I was sick last week? Or this week? If you don’t, let me refresh your memory with a made up word: coughniffle. I love that word. Seriously. I’d marry it if our society wasn’t so stuck on the traditional values of a man boning a woman. What if I wanna bone a word? Lemme do it, dammit! Y’know what? Fuck society — I’m boning coughniffle right now. Come here, baby! I’m gonna cough the niffle out of you. I don’t even know what that means, but it sounds saucy!

OK, enough boning words (call me, baby!). Let’s review the last episode of the best cooking show about chefs who want to be on top.

Sounds better than "A cooking show where chefs compete against each other every week in order to determine who is the top chef."

Top Chef Taste Test # 8

Episode 14: Finale Part 2

Wow! This is the last episode, eh? It is. I actually knew the answer to that question. But, y’know, I wanted you to feel a part of this blog by answering it in your head. I hope you got it right, because if you didn’t, you’re probably the stupidest person ever. OK, maybe not that stupid. But you’re definitely not as smart as me. And, well, I’m pretty stupid. So, if you didn’t know this was the last episode, I suggest a brain implant. That, or a self-inflicted gunshot to your face. Whichever is easier/cheaper.

So, if you’ve been reading mypast seven reviews, you’ll know this season of Top Chef kinda sucked. It’s not the fault of the show so much as the contestants — they were terrible. The challenges were actually pretty sweet (I really enjoyed the Super Bowl one in particular), but like a shit sandwich, it’s always going to taste terrible because it’s, well, shit on bread. And shit tastes like shit. And that’s exactly what the contestants this season tasted like. Except for Carla — she tasted like Big Bird shit.

Carla tastes like his shit.

The second part of the season finale wasn’t too bad, though. Mostly because they brought back one of my favorite chefs from last season, Richard Blais, to be a sous chef. The whole time I was thinking, “Fuck — Richard should just take the place of one the actual contestants and win the title he rightfully deserves.” Then immediately after thinking that, I patted myself on the back and said I’m the smartest person I know. Which is a lie, ’cause I’m idiot, but since I’m too stupid to know myself was lying to me, I believed it! Go gullible me!

So like most finales, the challenge was pretty simple: cook the best three course meal they can. Which, of course, is asking for too much, because all three finalists can hardly cook one course without fucking up. But, if Richard Blais was a finalist, he could have done it in his sleep. Actually, he’d probably do it better awake (not sure how he’d cook in his sleep), but the point is this: Richard Blais is about 23942394239492394293492942 times better than everyone else this season.

The highlight of this episode, to me, was Stefan getting fucked on numerous occasions. Which, in a way, is fitting because he’s a huge dick. HOSE-A-YAH fucked him over by taking a lot of an ingredient he also wanted to use (boo fucking hoo) and by giving him alligator as the surprise appetizer (which he actually ended up nailing unfortunately). And, the last bit of fucking was his own doing: his desert course sucked ass. Even so, I kinda wanted to try that banana lollipop because I adore bananas! Mmmm — fruit dicks.

I taste like liquid nitrogen.

Carla *really* should have won the challenge, but she’s a total idiot because she listened to Casey from Season 3. Um, hello, did you not watch Season 3, Carla? Casey is hot, yes. Good chef? No. But did I mention she’s hot? ‘Cause she is. So, Casey, listen — I’d fuck you (don’t tell coughniffle!!), but I would *never* eat your food. OK, maybe I would (I love free food), but I’d probably lie and say it’s good. Sorry, babe! So why Carla listned to Casey is beyond me. She must have been wooed by her looks. Wait, Carla’s a chick *and* she’s married. OK, well, she’s just an idiot then. ‘Cause it looks like she could have won if she just stuck to what she does best. Oh well.

She can touch my meat, but I won't eat hers.

It’s all good, though, because Stefan thankfully didn’t win. That means, yep, that HOSE-A-YAH is this season’s Top Chef. Which is total bullshit. That’s like declaring me the winner of the smartest person in the world competition because everyone else competing were either inbreds or monkeys. Even Carla winning wouldn’t have been that great, but at least she actually proved she can win a challenge. HOSE-A-YAH proved he’s good at one thing: cheating on his girlfriend with a total bitchface. Good job, man! You also win the title of Top Cheater, fuck face.

So, yeah, the finale kinda sucked because, well, the contestants sucked. Still, I had a good time watching the show and I will definitely watch it next season. I just hope they choose better contestants. Or, they can just do my awesome idea of doing a season where they bring back all the top chefs from previous seasons for an ULTIMATE TOP CHEF! How awesome would that be? Answer: Really fucking awesome. So basically they’d take the top 3/4 chefs from each season and pit them all against each other. Did I say I was stupid earlier? I take that back — I’m a fucking genius.

Final Rating: 7 banana lolipops out of 10

Well, that’s it kiddos! No more Top Chef for me to review. Crazy it went by so quick. Don’tcha worry, though — I have ideas for other things I want to write about on here. It’s just a matter of getting me to stop being such a lazy bastard! Motivate me, people! 

BTW: If you don’t watch Lost, you’re an idiot. Sorry, but you are. That show is fucking amazing. Oh, and if you watch Heroes, you’re also an idiot. That show is fucking terrible. But since I’ve already established that I’m an idiot (except for my brilliant Top Chef ideas), I’m immune to the suckiness that Heroes gives off.

Aight — peace out!

Michael