Blog 2-0: Top Chef Taste Test # 6

Howdy, folks! I’m in Texas right now. That means I get to greet you with stupid southern slang, y’all. See! I get to say shit like “y’all,” too. This is really great. Except for the part about being in Texas. Other than it, it’s really awesome. I can’t wait until I get to make love to cow. Moooo! Oh, wait, that’s Oklahoma — my bad!

False advertising.

Now you’d think that because I’m in Texas right now, I wouldn’t watch Top Chef and do my weekly review. Well, of course you would think that, because you’re an asshole! Seriously, why you gotta be so mean? Give me a little credit. So what if I didn’t know Oklahoma is the state where you fuck cows! How am I supposed to remember that? It’s not like I fuck farm animals all the time…anymore. Eww! Did I just say that? I did? Why? It’s gross. Who wants to hear that? Don’t answer that, sicko! Move along — this isn’t the bestiality you’re looking for.

BTW: I love farm animals. Just not in the “fucking” kind of way. But I do love reviewing Top Chef to a crowd of peeps who couldn’t care less about it. Because, if you cared, I wouldn’t care. And if I didn’t care, I wouldn’t share. And if I didn’t share (or care), the Care Bears would fuckin’ maul my ass. Not that I couldn’t handle them — remember, I once killed a bear with my bare hands. Fact!

Sounds better than "Chopped."

Top Chef Taste Test # 6

Episode 12: The Last Supper

So my Ma fucked up TiVoing this episode and didn’t record the first 20 minutes of the show. Hey, don’t complain — my Ma recently had shoulder shoulder and currently has a RoboCop arm. Seriously — her arm sling thingy is fucking awesome! It has this cold pad that hooks up to an ice chest and cools her shoulder when she’s hurting. The doctor even said that, while wearing it, she’s a legally qualified half android. I’ve been trying to get my Ma to use phrases like, “Drop it, creep!” and “Dead or alive, you’re coming with me!,” but she’s afraid people might think she’s one of them evil “exterminators.” Plus, her RoboCop accent is pretty terrible — she sounds like a drugged-up New Yorker who just had a root canal. But at least she’s doesn’t eat baby food for subsistence. Seriously — RoboCop needs to watch Top Chef. Good thing I did!

I'd buy that for a dollar.

So, like I said before my RoboCop tangent, my Ma recorded the episode late so I missed the first 20 minutes of the show. Which means I didn’t catch the Quickfire Challenge. Bah, who cares, though? We’ve already established you don’t, so I guess I don’t either. But I imagine they probably cooked some food in a quick, fire-like challenge. And I’m sure Bitch Face Leah whipped up something terrible, whining in the process. And HOSE-A-YAH probably said something about how he’s “the fish guy” while routinely fucking up whatever fish dish he made. Fabio probably made his obligatory funny by fucking up some idiom with his broken english. Stefan most likely verbally masturbated about how awesome he is all over the viewers’ faces, ’cause he’s a huge dick. And Carla probably made no sense by blabbering ridiculous phrases like “Hootie-hoo!” while looking all crazy at the camera with her big ol’ bug eyes. So, as you can see, y’all probably missed nothing.

The Elimination Challenge, while creative, was really fucking depressing. Check this out: The chefs were tasked with cooking the “last supper” for a bunch of superstar chefs. Because it’s fun to think about the last meal you wanna eat before you croak. Well, I guess it is if you’re morbid. Or immortal. Or a RoboCop. But I think all the meals the superstar chefs chose were super lame. Come on, let’s think about this for a second — if you can choose your last meal, why would you only choose *one* dish when you can choose *multiple* dishes? Duh! I mean, shit, if I could choose my last meal, I’d totally request a badass buffet, complete with foods from around the world. Smart, huh? Of course it is! If you ever get to choose your last meal, you owe me big. Wait, if you have a last meal, you’ll be dead. Hmm — howsa ’bout you owe me now? Works for me — I expect handsome checks in my mailbox in 3-5 business days.

So the only notable thing about this challenge was Stefan overcooking his salmon. That, and Fabio kicking ass after he broke his finger. I have to say I’ve become quite a fan of Fabio. He’s by far the most entertaining chef on the show (second only to Bird Bird (AKA Carla)) and is pretty decent in the kitchen. I hope he wins the competition. OK, that probably won’t happen. Fan favorite? That’s more likely.

Everything else that happened was totally predictable: HOSE-A-YAH fucked up seafood, Bitch Face Leah fucked up everything, and Padma fucked up my hormones (yowza — her dress was hawt!). Even Bitch Face Leah (finally) getting kicked off was predictable. Same with the end credits. I mean, fuck, who didn’t see those coming?

I may be a Jew, but I have to admit this painting is pretty sweet.

I’m stoked for the last two episodes, though. The competition is a little one-sided, but hopefully Fabio or Carla can pull it off. If not, they can at least win the competition of entertaining me. Not sure how that makes them winners, though….

Aight, cowboys and cowgals, I’m going to mosey on out of here and fuck a cow — Oklahoma, here I come!

Peace out,

Michael